Breaking the Chains of the ‘Manbox’

“The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognizing
how we are. Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual
selves, if we didn’t have the weight of gender expectations” (Adichie, 43). These are the
sentiments of feminist icon Chimamanda Ngozi whose uses her podium as an author and speaker
to raise awareness on feminism. Indeed, traditional gender roles have squeezed men and women
into two different boxes that force them to conform to certain behaviors and standards. One of
the TED Talk speakers, Tony Porter explained at length about the pressure to fit into a man box
by society by behaving in a certain manner. His opinions were echoed by Hook in her article in
which she delves into her experiences living with men that were similarly forced to behave in a
certain manner. The two bring out another aspect of these stereotypes; it is not only women who
are suffering in the hands of these men who at times think being violent and rough is normal and
permissible for them. Deep down, some of these men are also suffering because they feel
coerced to take on different personal from their true identities. Times have changed and it is time
for a revolution that allows men and society as a whole to embrace feminism and redefine
masculinity; what defines it and their expectations from men.

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The wrong approach towards patriarchy and toxic masculinity has been drummed in the
ears of so many men that they think it is permissible to treat women as non-equals. Tony Porter
explains how men have been conditioned to think that it is alright to disrespect and mistreat
women. In his speech, he recalls an incident where he was asked to participate in raping a young
girl and even though he knew in his gut that it was wrong, he could not outrightly refuse to do it
as it would have made him appear unmanly. He says “I was conflicting, excited because I did not
get caught, but I knew I felt bad about what was happening. The fear of getting out of the
‘manbox’ totally enveloped me….it was more important to me about me and my ‘manbox’ card
than about Sheila and what was happening to her” (8.55). He, therefore, refrained from
confronting his friends and speaking up against what was happening because he wanted to
remain in the “man box”.
This incident is a reflection of what actually happens on the ground. Many young boys
are conditioned to think abusing women in one way or another is acceptable because they are
forced to witness or participate in such acts as they are growing up. It becomes hard to convince
such a person later in their adulthood that what they think is right has been wrong all along.
Growing up, I remember if we wanted to tease a boy all we had to do was tell him that he was
doing things like a girl. Crying like a girl, eating like a girl, throwing like a girl, talking like a
girl. Any of these was enough to hurt the boys’ feelings and they would fight back tears and say
“No, I am not a girl!” I later realized how such teases showed how even as little children, we had
already been socialized to expect men to behave in a certain way and boys in another.
Hook’s essay describes at length the pressure men in the society are subjected to for them
to be considered masculine enough. Men who behave contrary to societal expectations of men
are perceived as weak, not strong enough, and even not as attractive as those who fit into

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stereotypical muscular traits. She quotes family therapist Terrence Real whose son was initiated
into patriarchal expectations of society from an early age. When he was playing with Barbie
dolls, he received disapproving stares from his older brother “A ten second wordless transaction
was powerful enough to dissuade my son from that instant forward from what had been a
favorite activity”. Indeed such narratives are the norm in our society today where there seem to
be an unwritten set of rules of how men should act to be approved as men by the society.
Similarly, women are not expected to enjoy activities that have been labeled as masculine.
What is even sadder is the fact that society is to blame for the modeling of these
behaviors. These norms have been socialized by the people around us. Tony Porter recounts
watching his father struggle keep his emotions in check after his brother’s burial. Even though he
was understandably in anguish, he could not allow himself to break down in the presence of the
weakness, as it would have been a portrayal of weakness. Tony explains “…it was better for him
to cry infront of me than to allow himself to express his feelings and emotions infront of the
women”. (4.03). He probably thought the women would respect him less if they saw him in such
a vulnerable state. Watching such a scenario from a man he considers a hero and role model, it is
expected that any child would take it as a lesson in being a man: never show emotions, never
show weakness, and never be vulnerable.
Similar sentiments are echoed by Hooks in her article. Growing up as a girl, she was
taught that showing rage was an inappropriate feminine emotion that was permissible only to
men. On the other hand, her brother is encouraged to display rage when provoked as a way of
protecting himself. When her father is beating her up for playing with marbles, Hooks observes
that it is not so much as to punish her but to exude his masculinity and enforce his authority “as a
man” to the rest of the family members. It is only expected that most children who grew up in

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such backgrounds pick up these ideologies as normal behavior and pass on the same toxicity to
their families in future. This has created a cycle of abusive men, fathers, husbands, and
boyfriends who unfortunately do not know any better.
For this pattern to break, men must be willing to let go of what they consider to be
normal beliefs and accept that the ‘man box’ is no more than a prison that tells them who to be
and how to behave. Hooks pleads with men to acknowledge that they patriarchal behaviors are
harmful to both themselves and the women around them. Men must therefore be at the forefront
of fighting against patriarchy and recreating a new culture that boys in future will adopt. Tony
porter has in the same way become an advocate for encouraging men break out of the ‘man box”.
Change must begin from the men themselves; as they are the major perpetrators of
violence against women, they are the ones to ceasefire and begin a new chapter of change. If
men are exposed to better examples and role models who respect women and treat them as
equals, then they will also be inspired to shift their chauvinistic attitudes. It will be liberation not
only of women who have been subjected to domestic and sexual violence for decades, but for
men who will no longer have to act savagely to be accepted as manly. Overall, the change will be
a beginning of stronger and safer communities free from all forms of gender based violence and
discrimination.
Tony Porter and Hook’s message could not be coming at a timelier time. Although
society has progressed in terms of commerce and education, it has stagnated on matters to do
with gender equality. Incidents of domestic violence and sexual harassment are still a big
problem in most societies. Even at the workplace where employees are well educated,
complaints of sexual harassment continue to play out. Most men think that it is okay to make

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snide sexual remarks about women and their body parts, and do not understand why the women
get offended. At times, they even take it a notch higher through making offensive and suggestive
remarks or even touching women without their consent. Like Tony’s friend who violated the girl,
they do not see anything wrong with such behavior.
The conversation to bring a revolution to patriarchy must begin now. The LGBT
community’s fight for equality and acceptance began a long time ago, and their efforts are now
paying off. Even though they haven’t achieved as much as they would desire in terms of
discrimination, there is a significant shift in society’s perception towards members of this
community. Similarly, feminists need to be more vocal towards encouraging men to shed off
their beliefs about women. A powerful move that would make the feminism campaign even more
influential is if the men from past generations spoke up about their behavior. They should accept
and admit to not only society but themselves that toxic masculinity had unpleasant effects on
their families, on themselves, on their relationships with others and society as a whole. They
should be brave enough to become examples to current and future generations of what they
should not desire to be.
Tony Porter serves as an exemplary example of a man who has made mistakes, owned
them, and come out to tell other men that it does not have to be that way. His passive
participation in violating the girl made him feel guilty but he was courageous enough to admit
his wrongs. He was willing to admit that what he had known all his life was not right and did not
feel right at all; and he made the decision to challenge those beliefs. If more me came out in the
same way, then it would inspire other men to face their demons of poisonous masculinity and
take the first step towards change. As Tony asserts, “…..we really need to begin to challenge,
look at it, and get into the process of deconstructing, redefining what we come to know as

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manhood”) (1.30). Fortunately, there is a higher number of male role models from traditional
sectors perceived as hyper-masculine such as sports and the military who are taking up the
mantle and showing others that there is nothing wrong with stepping out of the ‘man box’.
I look forward to a society in future where men are not defined by a predefined set of
characteristics that makes them act like robots. They will be allowed to explore their authentic
selves without feeling ashamed or unmanly. A society in which men feel vulnerable enough to
express more emotions than anger and rage; they will know that expressing pain, hurt, love, and
affection does not make them less of a man. Hopefully, with more voices like Tony Porter and
Hook, men will increasingly feel comfortable enough to emancipate themselves from the rigid
chains of the “manbox” and embrace healthier attitudes of authenticity, equity, and equality.

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Works Cited
Adichie, Chimamanda Ngozi. We should all be feminists. Vintage, 2014.
Hooks, Bell. Understanding patriarchy. Louisville Anarchist Federation Federation, 2010.
Porter, Tony. “A call to men”. Ted.com, 2010. Online. Internet. 7 Oct. 2019. . Available:
https://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men#t-559672.